Quitting: All At Once


During my younger years I put many things into my body and did many things to my body that were not healthy.  I hit a point in my life where I was miserable.  At the time I didn’t understand what was going on.  I noticed I was cruel to majority of the people in my life.  I would make comments that were hurtful.  I would lay my head on my pillow at night disgusted with myself.

The two biggest turning factors involved my “friends”.  (I put the word in quotes because we like to call each other friend).  The first one was during our senior summer.  We loaded up the car and took a road trip to Las Vegas.  The talks and laughs we shared are in measurable.  I found so much joy with my “friends”.  The last night of the vacation we were sitting around a table at the pool chatting it up like we loved to do.  A beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other I felt my anger grow inside of me.  For the life of me I cannot recall what we were discussing or why my feelings were getting over heated but I remember what came next.  I absolutely, irrevocably lost my cool with everyone as I frequently did while drinking.  Whatever happened that night forced me to ride home without my friends.  In my mind the friendship was over.  I would never see them again,  they would never want to see me again.  Why would somebody need or want someone like me in their life!

What happened next bewilders me still to this day.  A few days later my friends called me and asked me to meet them at our meeting spot, a quiet secluded spot in the mountains.  I sheepishly obliged hesitating with fear of what was going to be said.

My friends pulled a well deserved intervention on me.  In a very kind and loving way they told me I was rude and disrespectful and asked me why I felt the need to treat people that way.  I was dumbfounded.  I knew what I was doing but I didn’t fully comprehend the effects of my actions.

I don’t remember the exact timeline of my next step but I do remember I spent a lot of time crying and thinking things through in my head.  Something needed to change, but what or how I didn’t know but I realized something needed to change.  The first step in any changing process is realization and the desire to change.

I started keeping a journal.

I recorded my emotions and the how, when and why they were taking place.  I noticed a correlation between my “party” habits and the guilt and anger I felt.  I knew substances were bad for your health and altered your emotions and left them uncontrollable so I decided to remove them from my life.

I am very black and white. I am an “all in” type of girl.  If I am going to do something, anything I am going to give it my whole heart and soul and be committed!  So I woke up the next morning and decided to quit all my unhealthy habits.  I had lost focus of my goals and dreams in life and had gotten swept away by the drama of life.

Just like that, a snap of a finger, done, gone, I quit everything!   With the right frame of mind and resources anything can be accomplished.  It was one of the hardest yet easiest things I’ve ever done, if that makes sense.  I’ve never looked back.

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