So Emotional

 

I don’t know if I can handle the emotions that are flowing through me.  Since I started working again my feelings are on fire.  I am so aware of them and I am struggling to understand them.

As I sit in a meeting today I balled.  I struggled to understand the emotions and where they are coming from.

I could feel the Savior’s love and comfort and it was almost as if he was saying, “Let it go, let it all out.  I have this!”  And then I get scared.  He is asking so much of me or I feel like he is asking so much of me.  Is he really?  Some of the things that he is asking me to do are so different from what I would choose for myself.  Can I continue in faith?  Am I strong enough to change and push through this?  What if I give up?  What if I fail?  What then?  Will I loose his trust?

While all these emotions are racing through me I realize that everything that is overwhelming me at the moment are things that I asked for.  I have been blessed with all the opportunities that I begged for.  But I am failing.  I am searching for every excuse to give up, to quit, to move on to something else.  This must be what breaking under pressure feels like.  I am not going to let this break me.  I know that I asked for these things and I know it will take some changing on my part, but I am going to take a deep breathe, square my shoulders and do what I was asked to do!  I will remain focused, consistent and patient.  If I am doing the WORK of what I was asked to do all I need to do is BELIEVE and everything else will fall into place.

 

Happily Ever After

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I vividly remember a conversation I once had with my father. We were actively preparing for dinner and I was disappointed in my day. I was expressing my disappointment through explanation of my new found knowledge that life is hard, and will continue to be hard. I naively told my dad that I was under the impression that once I was married I would live happily ever after and my trials would cease. I’m sure he wanted to LAUGH out loud at this comment, but as a parent he probably only felt remorse and sadness for my frustration. He was at a loss for words. We continued to prepare dinner together and I continued to complain about my fears of the future.

I do not understand where this conception began.  I was not raised in a bubble.  My parents never led me to believe that life was easy.  I watched them struggle with several different situations in their own lives.  So, where did this stem from?  Maybe it was a coping mechanism that I created to carry me through my younger years… as long as I can survive today tomorrow will be brighter, I don’t know what I was thinking?  Maybe I was thinking, when I am married, my husband will hold me in his warm, strong arms and all my problems will melt away.  I sound like a Disney movie, right?  I did have a goal to own all the Disney movies ever made when I was little.

A few years after the conversation took place I was married and was prepared for the tests that marriage brought with it. Still today I find myself wondering when the sadness and disappointments will come to an end, but each day I am learning how to find the joy in my trials.

God did not put us on this earth to struggle,

he put us here to be HAPPY.

To find JOY.

Find the happiness in our trials.

Look for the good.

Be the good!

Quitting: All At Once

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During my younger years I put many things into my body and did many things to my body that were not healthy.  I hit a point in my life where I was miserable.  At the time I didn’t understand what was going on.  I noticed I was cruel to majority of the people in my life.  I would make comments that were hurtful.  I would lay my head on my pillow at night disgusted with myself.

The two biggest turning factors involved my “friends”.  (I put the word in quotes because we like to call each other friend).  The first one was during our senior summer.  We loaded up the car and took a road trip to Las Vegas.  The talks and laughs we shared are in measurable.  I found so much joy with my “friends”.  The last night of the vacation we were sitting around a table at the pool chatting it up like we loved to do.  A beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other I felt my anger grow inside of me.  For the life of me I cannot recall what we were discussing or why my feelings were getting over heated but I remember what came next.  I absolutely, irrevocably lost my cool with everyone as I frequently did while drinking.  Whatever happened that night forced me to ride home without my friends.  In my mind the friendship was over.  I would never see them again,  they would never want to see me again.  Why would somebody need or want someone like me in their life!

What happened next bewilders me still to this day.  A few days later my friends called me and asked me to meet them at our meeting spot, a quiet secluded spot in the mountains.  I sheepishly obliged hesitating with fear of what was going to be said.

My friends pulled a well deserved intervention on me.  In a very kind and loving way they told me I was rude and disrespectful and asked me why I felt the need to treat people that way.  I was dumbfounded.  I knew what I was doing but I didn’t fully comprehend the effects of my actions.

I don’t remember the exact timeline of my next step but I do remember I spent a lot of time crying and thinking things through in my head.  Something needed to change, but what or how I didn’t know but I realized something needed to change.  The first step in any changing process is realization and the desire to change.

I started keeping a journal.

I recorded my emotions and the how, when and why they were taking place.  I noticed a correlation between my “party” habits and the guilt and anger I felt.  I knew substances were bad for your health and altered your emotions and left them uncontrollable so I decided to remove them from my life.

I am very black and white. I am an “all in” type of girl.  If I am going to do something, anything I am going to give it my whole heart and soul and be committed!  So I woke up the next morning and decided to quit all my unhealthy habits.  I had lost focus of my goals and dreams in life and had gotten swept away by the drama of life.

Just like that, a snap of a finger, done, gone, I quit everything!   With the right frame of mind and resources anything can be accomplished.  It was one of the hardest yet easiest things I’ve ever done, if that makes sense.  I’ve never looked back.